For those of you who know me..you know I was nearly raped by...my grandfather (he has since passed away)...For those of you who don't really know me...well...now you know my biggest demon. I struggled for a couple years trying to do EVERYTHING I could think of to make myself feel better and more loved...acting out like a child or teenager (though I was 20 at the time) to get attention...even lying to my family. Then I found God and have been trying to come through it with HIS guidance. I wish I could rewind time and deal with it all differently (after all hindsight is 20/20, right?). The point of this sad admission is (I promise the story will make sense in the end)...this morning I am getting ready for work as I always do on Saturday and my husband is getting his clothes laid out that he will wear for our church directory pictures later today...he looks at my clothes...tells me we will not match because of the suit jacket and tie he is going to wear ( I was in a maroon turtle neck and maroon CK cords...He was going with green shirt and tie with black jacket...not that that matters)..I asked him why he was wearing a suit when a nice sweater would be great for the pictures and he tells me he was raised to "always look your best at church". this sparked a discussion about how we were not going to a church service but to get pictures taken and he made the point to tell me it is a CHURCH directory picture so we have to look our best (I felt before that like I was looking pretty good). He asks me why I do not wear a dress (not that I WANT to because I always dress well for work and Saturday is one day I can go comfortable)...THAT did it for me...I felt so low at that moment because , like always, all the horrible things my grandfather said to me came rushing back. He had told me how I was a whore and no one would ever love me and how I had been "had" by other men (meaning 1 guy I had made the mistake of being with not too long before)...how I was worthless and would never be good enough for any man to care about me because of what I had done (mind you he has said all this while groping at my chest and in the midst of asking me if my breasts were real and if he could touch them and how he bet they looked great...among other things) and to this day...6 years later...I believe everything he said...I freaked out for years to even let a man kiss me after a date that went really well until I met my husband...
us on our 1 year wedding anniversary
Sometimes still feel like a horrible person to even WANT to make love with my husband...because I don't want to be what that horrible excuse for a man said I was. Most days are pretty good and my husband is really understanding...but today...it hurts...all the inadequacies I feel weigh me down like a brick. I tell myself over and over how God made me in his vision...therefore perfect to HIM and that is all that matters... And I keep saying to myself that he is no longer alive so why am I holding on to this...but days like today...it feels like that is not enough...I know it could all have been worse and I am blessed I guessed what was about to happened before it did and stopped it...but telling myself that does strangely little to help me. All comments are welcome...and today...needed.
Love to ALL